happy shoes?

Money. What a pain in the ass. If I have money, I want to spend it, mostly on me. When I don't have money, I convince myself that when I do get money, I will some how miraculously become less selfish and give it all away...Yet the cycle continues. Have money, spend money, have no money, want money to give away.

I have seen enough of poverty to make me want to sell everything I own, but this feeling fades too quickly, its gone even before the next time a garage sale comes around. By then I have seen the next pair of "bargain" sparkly shoes I want, and do in fact get, just so I can feel better about myself.

Sometimes I become acutely aware that buying the sparkly shoes wont help me feel better, it wont improve the way I look, or change the way I act towards myself and others. Infact, all these sparkly shoes will do is make my feet ache for the next three days, leave my bank balance depleted, my cupboard ever fuller and my conscience just that little bit duller.

Yet, I can never hold onto this realization for very long. The ache in my feet fades, my bank balance recovers slightly and I close the door to my cupboard. But the dullness of my conscience cannot be hidden by doors, it shall remain cluttered by useless possessions, stained with the smell of stolen perfume and marred by the deadly heals of consumerism.

I don't know how to look after the poor, I don't know how to love my neighbour, I don't know how to love myself. If I knew how to love myself I wouldn't need so many shoes.